Official Food, Inc. Movie Site - Hungry For Change?

Official Food, Inc. Movie Site - Hungry For Change?

on a side note. not kidney related. you should know.

There is something you have to know if you don't already. you should, no, you HAVE to watch. really, if you've ever ate a piece of chicken or steak or any meat what so ever, you just have to see this. You owe it to every bite you've ever tasted of meat, vegetables, fruits or a cob of corn to know where your food is coming from.

Don't put it on your 'to-do' list. just do it. watch. now. please. its available streaming on netflix- or dvd or straight from their website. It's a must SEE NOW :)

http://foodincmovie.com/

What they don't tell you....

This post is probably better suited for those of us who have the unfortunate circumstances of a nephrostomy tube than those of you who don't. If you have a weak stomach or throw up easily you better stop here. I am warning you. For real. Okay, for those of you still reading. Here are the things they DON'T tell you when you get a nephrostomy tube.

1. for the first few days you will look like you have a bag of whole blood strapped to your leg transfusing through the kidney via your way cool (nasty) leg bag.

2. Beyond the first 3-4 days your pee clears up to deep cranberry color with LARGE and I do mean LARGE chunks of kidney floating amongst the massive clots.

3. Your pee never quite returns to normal with the tube in place.

4. It absolutely does not feel like a 'ear ring' being changed when having the tube replaced. Immediately refrain from slapping the person who tries to fill you with this LIE! If you don't refrain, you can always fall back on a lapse in judgement due to the severe pain and TUBE STABBING IN YOUR BACK!!

5. The tube does feel better in place to relieve the pressure and in my experience (5 stents total- the nephrostomy is a MILLION times better than an evil stent.

6. Anything and everything that I was never told would happen (which was hardly anything at all) happens and when I have asked have been told "that can be normal" which has lead me to the conclusion that there is no normal with having a nephrostomy tube and that by and large nephrostomy's are not normal and therefore have no semblance of normal what so ever. The faster you deal with it the faster the panic subsides of passing large chunks of your kidney and clots and whatever the heck the white wormy strings are?

7. Kidneys that are sick pass 'junk' and 'crap' non stop. its nasty and disgusting.

8. There is NOTHING cute about pee strapped to your leg. But, dresses can be cute and cover the pee bag strapped to your leg quite nicely and its a great excuse for a new dress ;)

9. Punching a whole in the wall out of fear, panic, pain and frustration does NOT make your nephrostomy any easier to deal with nor does it disappear. Nor does it mean you have anger management issues. I think any adverse reaction to having a tube stuck in an organ and being sent on your merry way with a 'good luck, hope you feel better' is completely rationale. I'll be happy to stick a tube in your kidney if you disagree, and we'll go from there. Enough said. uh huh.

10. It becomes second nature to have in place regardless of what you think the day it goes in. Even the discomfort and pain become something you just deal with and expect daily.

11. Some people block tubes faster than others, some WAAAAAY faster than others. Some people like me.

12. A blocked tube can feel like NO tube at all. Kidney's must have lots of nerves because they HURT bad when they swell/block up. Horribly so.

13. I was ready to have the tube OUT the day I had it put in but I want my baby in and not out so the tube stays so the baby stays. its a symbiotic relationship. a contract with mother nature if you will. its a crappy one but it works. as dr. phil would say "how's that workin for ya?" very well thank you when you get right down to it so we do what works. and so it goes, i have a tube in my back stick'n in my kidney and a baby in my uterus named Madden. Go me, GO!!! (really I am thankful for the arrangement. Really. I may be sarcastic and bitter at times but I know when to count my blessings and I count this one a whole heck of a lot.)

14. Most of the time I don't hate it as much as I think it do. But I still don't like it. Yea, I do hate it. But, its better than an exploded kidney.

15. I hate my kidney and I love it. We have a love hate thing going on. We forgive and forget. The next dose of forgive and forget is coming up some time at the middle or end of June.

Well...Well ...Web....

So, last night when getting up at 2:30 am to disconnect my bag of fluids & hep lock my picc line I sit up I feel a burn & a pop. I am in dire need of peeling off the patch to discover what the heck is going on with under there. I had been having some increasing pain last night but that can be normal. Burning, popping, and all that not normal. I peel back the stupid patch and I discover two things when I peel back the patch. A) I have popped a stitch while sitting up. This stitch was placed off to the side of my actual tube and was one of FIVE anchor spots. B) my surgeons mentor in his 'suturing' must have been spider man because the other four suture anchors are in a very neat little web spanning about 4 inches circling the pcn tube before anchoring into my back. NO wonder every time I move or sit, stand, deep breathe or sneeze (you know how many times I sneeze when I sneeze) it feels like I am pulling my tube from every angle. I AM!!!!!! Ugh. No doubt this little webbing stent was what I was awake enough to be trying to sit up and leave the OR which landed me aforementioned asian dude on my shoulders holding me down so Dr. Spidey could finish his evilness while I yelped in protest. Did I mention I am over this crap??

less is NOT more.

Me and a few pals met up at the same time and place every Friday morning around say seven thirty, in special ops OR2. Clark, Donna, Natasha, The Asian guy who half laughs at every thing and says WHOA wayyyy too much, and then there is the doctor, most of whom I really like and seem to really like me except for one I don't typically get but on the rare occasion. Well today was a rare occasion. This week had the unfortunate Dr. P. Oh, Dr. P and I didn't hit it off so well two years ago in the very same OR when he stuck a wire through & through my kidney on an accident, an accident that I was talked into going "without sedation or anesthesia" and unfortunately felt and witnessed in its full glory including his explicative, and then mine, when he realized I was FULLY awake. Let's just say I very much dislike him. He started to redeem himself by showing off his wicked awesome skills at putting in my PICC line super fast and flawlessly. The man has some finesse guiding catheters into ones heart (the picc line), unfortunately he follows with a dagger in the kidney and no finesse whatsoever in the renal department. My OB concerned with so many OR trips ahead had asked that the anesthesiologist use less of the drug (Versed) that puts you "under" and try it with more Morphine or Dilaudid. Well. She did. It didn't work. I'm wondering if Ms. Donna heard and got hung up on less drugs and just all the way across the board gave me less of everything, surely that had to be what happened. I woke up during the procedure in sheer pain having my kidney flushed and fooled with and then something else I couldn't identify (see Dr. Spidey/Well..Web post) Anyway it was awful and awful got worse when the Asian boy who gets on my nerves was laying across my shoulders holding me down and multiple people telling me it was almost over. It was most certainly not almost over. It seemed like it continued for eons more which I know it in fact did not. I was out of it enough to feel loopy but not enough to not feel the pain. Next week, I will threaten to inflict similar bodily pain to anyone who comes near me or Donna using words such as less, not as much, drugs, etc.

Getting Picc'd on.

Tomorrow I will be getting the PICC line when I get my tube replaced. I am actually relieved that I know its happening and really hopefully that some steady hydration will make a decent difference from feeling horrible to just plain bad. Hopefully I can manage on 6-8 hour hook-ups and be free the remainder of the time. That's my hope anyway. A girl can dream a little right?

so I lost my pound.

my one pound. the only pound I had. I guess I threw that up too. Gosh. I saw Lisa, the worlds best midwife, today who informed me of my tragic loss of the beloved pound. I worked hard for it, I did. You have no idea how strategic I have been to gain it and there it goes justlikethat. I am so incredibly sick of throwing up. my throat just burns and burns and besides that its not fun to throw up. its gross. its nasty. i hate it. Lisa agreed that the throwing up has got to curb to get some weight on me. She didn't seem too terribly concerned that lil madden wasn't getting what he needs but did order a visit with my Perinatologist, Dr Allen for a growth check for the bubs and cervical length scan. I was scheduled for two weeks later and I may still go again then, she said he'd probably start seeing me more frequently now because of the whole kidney crap (radiation, OR drugs and contractions). She also set up the picc line and home health care, and changed my zofran from tablets to orally dissolving tablets. Sometimes I can't even hold down the zofran tablets so the odt's should solve that and if not we'll start on the zofran pump into my 2nd picc port. I'm sure BCBS hates me and they can rest assured the feeling is quiet mutual. I feel slightly vindicated though that those stupidly high premiums we've paid into them and never use the insurance unless I am pregnant and BOY does it get used then. Anyway, the picc line & running fluids at home will help with some of the kidney pain that I get when dehydrated and contractions from getting dehydrated too. Another big plus of the picc line is that there will be NO MORE IV sticks, everything can run through the picc and even labs can be drawn right out too with no needle sticks! :)).

I'm gonna get through this. Gimme just a moment & I'll be alright

Last night was hard & today ain't shaping up to be much different. My stupid kidney hurt a lot last night and so much that I couldn't even sleep after I took two percocets. Second verse is same as the first, today feels like last night. The day after the new tube feels a lot like the day after a car wreck. Sore and drained. Today I feel like that, and super emotional. I am just in an awful, horrible funk. I want to crawl under the covers and cry until Madden is born. I know I can do this. That i can make it ten more weeks and I really do want to. I do. I just don't believe it right now that I can. Right now I wish I was fresh back from a Starbucks run with a venti mocha frappuccino in hand, walking in the door with my flip flops on yelling at my boys to come outside and play. I wish today I was flying them through the air like little airplanes, or laying on our backs on the grass watching the clouds calling out all the shapes, and laughing at Prestlee until I am out of breath because he can't see anything beyond butts and other body parts we ought not be 'seeing' in the clouds. Not laying here in the bed hurting like this, itching like this, feeling like I am on the verge of throwing up every single ounce of life inside me, again. My throat burns from throwing up so much. I am just tired, exhausted and drained. I am really sad at myself for feeling like I just wanna wave the white flag and be done. I'm not done, I wont give up. I'm gonna keep on keep'n on for you my precious Madden. Some days are just harder than others. Today is one of those days.

When we were doing IVF to conceive Prestlee it was VERY hard emotionally on me, after getting pregnant and experiencing the first of my three miscarriages I used music to help me cope with hard moments. In fact as far as I can even ever remember I have done this. Different times in my life have different songs that relate to whatever I was going through. I would hum or sing the lyrics in my head or crank up the music pretty loud to escape my own sad thoughts. I made a cd during that IVF process and there was this one song on the CD that was my panic button song. I have caught myself humming that song so much lately. The first night I went to the hospital a few weeks ago, the night before I got the tube, I was laying in the bed completely zoned out on iv pain meds and realized I was humming the song. Anyway here is the song. there are two versions. I like the acoustic one a whole lot, but in my major ruts its the fast version that plays in my head to calm me. Daniel Beddingfield- I gotta get through this. My Theme song. My Mantra. I'm gonna get through this. Gotta make, gotta make it through. Yes I'm gonna get through this. Give me 'til tomorrow and I'll be okay.

Sunshine and Memories

This beautiful weather, in spite of how I feel, reminds me of memories of being a little girl, living on wissahickon avenue with my mama & playing in the backyard. I can almost remember her laugh when I'd ask if I could go "swim" in the 'hose pipe'. It seemed like she always said yes to playing outside, & Popsicles. I remember her being so much fun & even going down the slide in my care-bears pool over & over again. That taught me to have fun with my boys. Those are memories that warm my heart when I look back & overshadow everything else. Thank you mama for being that mama to me and teaching me to live life every day and to live it in happiness even it means going against the grain.

twenty four weeks!!

I have baked my sweet little Madden TWENTY FOUR weeks (+2 days)!! Woohoo! 1st viability milestone met!! Madden is officially 'vent-ready' & has a shot at life on the outside!! 4 tubes down & 9-10 to go & hopefully 9-10 more weeks of growing so we can BRING HIM HOME :))!! It's been a really, really hard week with my kidney & PTL but I did it. He's inside & I am home & in the end that's what matters most. ♥

The big squeezes.

This afternoon my uterus decided to go haywire and out of control on the contraction front. I haven't slept in three nights because of kidney pain and pretty much throwing up every time I put something in my mouth. It was as if my body knew I really needed a nap, you know the way a newborn senses you've just fallen asleep or you've just sat down to eat. Anyway, Mimi headed out with the boys to the park and probably no sooner than she pulled out of the driveway the monsters started pounding me. One after the other after the other...I started guzzling water to make them stop. I tried a warm cloth over my belly because I can't soak in a tub (thank you stupid tube). That didn't work and neither did guzzling. So, after three hours of being in denial that they weren't chilling out and calming down I called the OB and she said exactly what I didn't want to hear. "Go into L&D now". I was contracting 4-5 minutes apart, which totally sucked. By the time we got there I was vomiting about every 15 minutes too. It took 4 attempts to get an IV in and get fluids running. I got three rounds of terbutaline to stop contractions which thankfully the third shot worked so no mag this time (woohooo!!). Anyway i left the hospital with baby boy still stowing away in my cranky uterus and four very wicked bruises. Hopefully Friday the very nice lady, the anesthesiologist who finally got a line on me on the first try too, will remember me and work her skills again. Here is just one of the nasty bruises that line my arm. I have 3-4 dotting each arm.

The 'Thank You' of a lifetime....

So every mothers dream is her children growing into well rounded, well mannered young ones that we can gloat and be proud of until our hearts are on the very verge of explosion. Those moments are to be treasured. They etch onto the surfaces of our hearts like a song you'll never forget the melody to let alone the wonderful lyrics. Tonight I was laying in bed dying for my pain medicine to kick in for much needed relief when Prestlee crawls up on the bed. He asks if he snuggle with me and starts to chat. He starts with the usual, am I hurting, do I need anything and how he wishes we could make this tube and kidney stuff just go away. The very fact that my SIX year old is sensitive enough to think, and FEEL these things has my eyes welling with tears. Then, he says "

NO i dont wish the tube was gone. I am glad its there. Because its there means I have another baby brother and he's alive mommy, because that tube. That tube meant Henley stayed in your belly and alive too. One day it was there for me too. So I guess I kind of love the tube because it means we are all here. But, I hate it because it means your sick, and that you have to hurt really bad. I'm sorry mommy that you have this yucky, horrible no good tube in your back. Thank you for having it. Thank you for being a fighter mommy. I am happy your mine and you let the doctor do that to you. I love you mommy, 'm going to sleep now good night."

He fell asleep beside me twisting my hair. I feel asleep crying. I love him. I am so very, very proud of him and who he is. He is a spectacular little guy with a true, genuine heart of gold.

Going through this you never expect your children to "get-it" and honestly I wish they never had to know that I got so sick and went through this. But to have one old enough to see exactly what it takes and what i am going through and to say Thank you. Wow. That feeling that flooded me when his words were wrapping around my heart....I can't explain at all....

I love you, Prestlee, Henley & Madden. I would do anything for you, I mean that. Anything. I would do this all a million times over and over again just to see a smile from you, to smell your sweet baby breaths and hear your first I love you's and giggles. I would have done any of this for just a a moment with you. I have loved you three with my entire heart since the moment your lives began, and I will love you far beyond your imagination.

This song is for you my beautiful boys, xoxo

Sweet dreams my little love.

the first of many

Update 4: Today I ended up needing tube changed because it had calcified unfortunately. So I'm going to be changing these stupid tubes quicker than i'd like it seems. Oh well. Calcification was the better option over bad/low function bc that would've meant dialysis. I had a FABULOUS anesthetist. I ♥ some woman named Shonda with a floral print scrub cap. I went completely asleep and woke up to new nephrostomy higher up that hopefully works better. They use some "valve" on my kidney they don't typically do since I'm a super calcify-er and it ain't no fun to feel them mess with it let alone put it in. I was happy to be totally OUT this time. I woke up and asked when they would start and shonda said what made my heart leap "baby girl, you are all done!" :-) love that woman. Gotta ask for Shonda every week!!Maw-maw & Paw-paw came over to the hospital and Maw-maw is going to stay the weekend with me to help out. So thankful that she came and could come ;).

stupid. stupid. stupid tube!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Update 3:last night the stupid tube stopped draining very well and has now pretty much stopped all together. I have became really sick and unable to hold down fluids/food. Pain has increased again as well. Contractions however remain stable and not a great cause of concern at this point. Maddens doing well, he has a good heart rate and very active.

I am mad at this stupid, stupid, stupid tube. I need it, I depend on it, I have to have it, no way around it. But it doesn't make me any less angry at it. I want to throw it in a blender with my kidney and watch them both spin into obliteration. yes I just said that and typed it right out here for all to see. maybe I am insane or maybe I just really, really hate my kidney and this tube right now.

home sweet home

Home sweet home. I am here at home. Pathetically weak. Pukey. Pained. Bitter. But, I am here. Momma is here too. She's gonna stay another night. It's grand central station here. Lots of help, which is fantastic. At least the boys don't seem too freaked out. I am though. My heart cracks & breaks at the thought that things from here until birth day are gonna be vastly different from the way they were. I can't hold my baby anymore. I can't scoop him right up when he falls and gets an owwie. I can't snuggle at night the way I used to with Prestlee. The kidney pain is awful, but these pains are much worse. I already miss my boys. This is going to be a l-o-n-g hard road.

and so it goes...

update 2: You know that sound that the game mario brothers makes right as mario gets hit with a fireball and your just down to one life left and its game over....wee-o-wee-o-bleemp-bleemp....whatever my sad attempts to spell out that sound...thats the sound I hear as I drifted off on Monday morning as I had surgery to have the uber-stupid Nephrostomy placed. UGH!! I'm feeling some relief of pressure on my lungs but in a lot of pain and unable hold down any food or fluids other than IV. Still itching like crazy but as my blood starts to clean up that will get much better. Madden was a good baby boy throughout the surgery and the meds and remained his active sweet self. Momma came to the hospital to stay with me through the night and for a day or so. Thanks Jen, for bringing her over. Everyone has been such a HUGE HUGE help throughout this. I couldn't have done a day of this without a single one of you.

the slippery slope...here we go again..

update 1: Saturday night, early Sunday morning (3/20-21) I was admitted with severe pain, short of breath & vomiting. Had been having frequent contractions starting Thursday evening. Renal scans show left Kidney in bad shape and huge, and right mild/moderately enlarged. Surgery set for Monday 3-22.Uh oh...here we go again...which makes that song pop in my head. Songs are funny that way. I am still up for chats most anytime, though texting is generally better for me. Please know though, that I am resting & sleeping the time away as much as possible. So if I don't answer its not that I am ignoring you or that I have died ;) just probably sleeping and will return your call soon as I can. :-)

My mean kidney.

yup. that's right. this blog is all about my mean kidney. if you don't want to read about how much I hate, loathe and despise the blood filtering, pee making (or lack there of lately) organ on the left side of my body you might as well click that cute little X in the upper right hand corner. I'm not concerned with grammar, comma's and run on sentences here. I am concerned with ranting and complaining about how I feel and whining until my hearts content. I have to channel all the emotions I feel because I am as good at bottling them as Pepsi and that is a BAD combination for me right now. So here is where they flow. Please always remember the X. you can opt out at any time. Maybe one day, I will be brave enough to come back and read these words (without reliving the pain, is that possible?) or maybe even the boys will read it. Maybe they will see it wasn't as easy as it seems to have a baby, or have my babies, and cut me some slack every now and then. Maybe. but, probably not. I certainly am not counting on it. At any rate boys, this I did for the three of you.