The 'Thank You' of a lifetime....

So every mothers dream is her children growing into well rounded, well mannered young ones that we can gloat and be proud of until our hearts are on the very verge of explosion. Those moments are to be treasured. They etch onto the surfaces of our hearts like a song you'll never forget the melody to let alone the wonderful lyrics. Tonight I was laying in bed dying for my pain medicine to kick in for much needed relief when Prestlee crawls up on the bed. He asks if he snuggle with me and starts to chat. He starts with the usual, am I hurting, do I need anything and how he wishes we could make this tube and kidney stuff just go away. The very fact that my SIX year old is sensitive enough to think, and FEEL these things has my eyes welling with tears. Then, he says "

NO i dont wish the tube was gone. I am glad its there. Because its there means I have another baby brother and he's alive mommy, because that tube. That tube meant Henley stayed in your belly and alive too. One day it was there for me too. So I guess I kind of love the tube because it means we are all here. But, I hate it because it means your sick, and that you have to hurt really bad. I'm sorry mommy that you have this yucky, horrible no good tube in your back. Thank you for having it. Thank you for being a fighter mommy. I am happy your mine and you let the doctor do that to you. I love you mommy, 'm going to sleep now good night."

He fell asleep beside me twisting my hair. I feel asleep crying. I love him. I am so very, very proud of him and who he is. He is a spectacular little guy with a true, genuine heart of gold.

Going through this you never expect your children to "get-it" and honestly I wish they never had to know that I got so sick and went through this. But to have one old enough to see exactly what it takes and what i am going through and to say Thank you. Wow. That feeling that flooded me when his words were wrapping around my heart....I can't explain at all....

I love you, Prestlee, Henley & Madden. I would do anything for you, I mean that. Anything. I would do this all a million times over and over again just to see a smile from you, to smell your sweet baby breaths and hear your first I love you's and giggles. I would have done any of this for just a a moment with you. I have loved you three with my entire heart since the moment your lives began, and I will love you far beyond your imagination.

This song is for you my beautiful boys, xoxo

Sweet dreams my little love.

the first of many

Update 4: Today I ended up needing tube changed because it had calcified unfortunately. So I'm going to be changing these stupid tubes quicker than i'd like it seems. Oh well. Calcification was the better option over bad/low function bc that would've meant dialysis. I had a FABULOUS anesthetist. I ♥ some woman named Shonda with a floral print scrub cap. I went completely asleep and woke up to new nephrostomy higher up that hopefully works better. They use some "valve" on my kidney they don't typically do since I'm a super calcify-er and it ain't no fun to feel them mess with it let alone put it in. I was happy to be totally OUT this time. I woke up and asked when they would start and shonda said what made my heart leap "baby girl, you are all done!" :-) love that woman. Gotta ask for Shonda every week!!Maw-maw & Paw-paw came over to the hospital and Maw-maw is going to stay the weekend with me to help out. So thankful that she came and could come ;).

stupid. stupid. stupid tube!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Update 3:last night the stupid tube stopped draining very well and has now pretty much stopped all together. I have became really sick and unable to hold down fluids/food. Pain has increased again as well. Contractions however remain stable and not a great cause of concern at this point. Maddens doing well, he has a good heart rate and very active.

I am mad at this stupid, stupid, stupid tube. I need it, I depend on it, I have to have it, no way around it. But it doesn't make me any less angry at it. I want to throw it in a blender with my kidney and watch them both spin into obliteration. yes I just said that and typed it right out here for all to see. maybe I am insane or maybe I just really, really hate my kidney and this tube right now.

home sweet home

Home sweet home. I am here at home. Pathetically weak. Pukey. Pained. Bitter. But, I am here. Momma is here too. She's gonna stay another night. It's grand central station here. Lots of help, which is fantastic. At least the boys don't seem too freaked out. I am though. My heart cracks & breaks at the thought that things from here until birth day are gonna be vastly different from the way they were. I can't hold my baby anymore. I can't scoop him right up when he falls and gets an owwie. I can't snuggle at night the way I used to with Prestlee. The kidney pain is awful, but these pains are much worse. I already miss my boys. This is going to be a l-o-n-g hard road.

and so it goes...

update 2: You know that sound that the game mario brothers makes right as mario gets hit with a fireball and your just down to one life left and its game over....wee-o-wee-o-bleemp-bleemp....whatever my sad attempts to spell out that sound...thats the sound I hear as I drifted off on Monday morning as I had surgery to have the uber-stupid Nephrostomy placed. UGH!! I'm feeling some relief of pressure on my lungs but in a lot of pain and unable hold down any food or fluids other than IV. Still itching like crazy but as my blood starts to clean up that will get much better. Madden was a good baby boy throughout the surgery and the meds and remained his active sweet self. Momma came to the hospital to stay with me through the night and for a day or so. Thanks Jen, for bringing her over. Everyone has been such a HUGE HUGE help throughout this. I couldn't have done a day of this without a single one of you.

the slippery slope...here we go again..

update 1: Saturday night, early Sunday morning (3/20-21) I was admitted with severe pain, short of breath & vomiting. Had been having frequent contractions starting Thursday evening. Renal scans show left Kidney in bad shape and huge, and right mild/moderately enlarged. Surgery set for Monday 3-22.Uh oh...here we go again...which makes that song pop in my head. Songs are funny that way. I am still up for chats most anytime, though texting is generally better for me. Please know though, that I am resting & sleeping the time away as much as possible. So if I don't answer its not that I am ignoring you or that I have died ;) just probably sleeping and will return your call soon as I can. :-)

My mean kidney.

yup. that's right. this blog is all about my mean kidney. if you don't want to read about how much I hate, loathe and despise the blood filtering, pee making (or lack there of lately) organ on the left side of my body you might as well click that cute little X in the upper right hand corner. I'm not concerned with grammar, comma's and run on sentences here. I am concerned with ranting and complaining about how I feel and whining until my hearts content. I have to channel all the emotions I feel because I am as good at bottling them as Pepsi and that is a BAD combination for me right now. So here is where they flow. Please always remember the X. you can opt out at any time. Maybe one day, I will be brave enough to come back and read these words (without reliving the pain, is that possible?) or maybe even the boys will read it. Maybe they will see it wasn't as easy as it seems to have a baby, or have my babies, and cut me some slack every now and then. Maybe. but, probably not. I certainly am not counting on it. At any rate boys, this I did for the three of you.