So..this is how it went...

So the pneumothoraces (those pesky pockets/collapses) are all almost gone. Which would be great, GREAT, IF the doctor didn't think he has a type of Emphysema. Which will probably/possibly result in more leaky lungs. We don't know for sure exactly which type it is & how long it will take to go away, if goes away and all that. There is also a possibility that he may have Pertussis. Which if he does have we will probably see more leaky lungs too. We went to Scottish Rite for tests after the appointment and will know something maybe Friday, but for sure early next week on that. We go back in two weeks to the Pulmonologist unless he gets sick or worse sooner. Hopefully he starts to WOW us with feeding a lot better and next week show that he's gained well! He see's the Pediatrician next. The Pulmonologist is trying to get him set up for home health for oxygen treatment for his to keep him more comfortable when he's in a rut with his saturations on the lower end & for the choking episodes.

Madden's first bath at home

Tonight I had the major joy of bathing sweet Madden at home. His last tub bath was in the NICU and he has been unable to bathe in the tub here at home because of his cord didn't clot right when the stump fell off. So after having that cauterized he was finally ready tonight to get a nice relaxing bath. He LOVED his bath. I kinda thought he would because he really enjoyed his bath the night I had bathed him and the nurses told me at his other baths that he really seemed to like his baths. Life is feeling much more normal today. I really, really needed a calm regular-go-no-where-no doctors-do-nothing day. It felt SO good :)

The scare...

Madden gave us quite a scare Friday morning. We had to call 911 around 5am this morning because Madden was struggling to breathe & seemed to be choking. He had aspirated mucus or either accumulated to much in his lungs. He got suctioned really well and now he's doing fine. He's eating somewhat better today and still at home despite everything that has happened this week. He's still maintaining his oxygen in safe levels and when he does have desaturations he's rebounding all on his own. That's pretty good considering. His color is much more pink today so I am thinking thats a really good sign he is oxygenating better. He's a very strong little boy and beating the odds on what he probably couldn't do. I am so hoping that on Tuesday his scans really wow the doctor and are clear of any spots/pockets or pneumothoraces or pneumo-anythings!!!

No bad news, is GOOD news...

This morning Madden decided he needed a little excitement and to give me some cardiac exercise. He was breathing pretty fast for a while and hadn't fed well for the night feeds and was pretty fussy. I called the Dr. L, the Pulmonologist, at 9 when they opened and he wanted us to go to the ER. So we did. Me, Prestlee & Madden hauled off to the ER to get checked out. We got there and his o2 was down but came up. He got an x-ray right away that showed the pneumothorax on the left was NO worse percentile wise. So that was GREAT news. Also, there were no new spots or leaks!! The x-ray was done in a different view than the previous ones so Dr. L warned against being too excited because it was comparing apples to oranges because the views were not the same. But, still I am very hopeful that things are resolving, and hey no bad news is good news!

After our little ER trip, we headed straight for the Pediatrician because Madden had his re-check today for weight (it's important to use same exact scale) , oxygen and his belly button cauterization.

He weighed a whole entire half ounce more than on Monday, which wasn't what she had hoped for but was better than losing!! Typically newborns gain at least close to an ounce daily. But considering what he is going through and has been through not going backwards is a milestone to me! Then she did an over all check to which he is just PERFECT ;) (why, of course he is!!) She monitored his oxygen for a while which showed what it always does. He has desaturations still, and the brady's recovers on his own in an "acceptable" amount of time. He did one of his breath holding episodes in front of the doctor so she is trying to arrange for home monitoring with the insurance company to keep a check on that. It would sure help me sleep better not worrying about waking up to find him, well...that is just to scary to type.

After all that he had to have the belly button burned or cauterized to seal off that spot that didn't dry out/clot right. She said it wouldn't hurt but his SCREAMS told me otherwise. He screamed and screamed. Poor baby. It's just not fair how much this poor boy has been tortured in his tiny little life. I felt so awful for him. Afterwards we came home and just snuggled in the quiet the rest of the day.

Henley is quarantined...

oh goodness. today Henley slept late. when it turned 1pm and he still hadn't woke up I knew something wasn't right. ugh. I went in to get him and as soon as I touched the little guy I knew he had a raging fever. I got him up, changed him and headed for the thermometer. I checked him and sure enough his temp was nearly 103!!! We went to the pediatrician and he may have strep or a virus. so, off to mimi's house for quarantine he goes until the fever is gone for at least a day (24hours). I am on pins and needles & beyond STRESSED that the baby doesn't get whatever it is Henley has and so sad that my biggest baby has to be away from mommy & home while he feels yucky. :(

He's been home a week...

It's been a whole week now that Madden has been home. It's been mostly a blur, a sweet blur if you will . Not just from the lack of sleep, and believe me there is a WHOLE LOT OF LACK OF SLEEP. I don't even feel human most of the time. It's the going non-stop that's getting to me too. It seems like there is a doctors appointment every day, at least every other day. I'm so ready for a SLOW DOWN and to slip into a normal routine with the boys...get back to our typical crazy life minus all the white coats :)

the appointment.

the appointment didn't go as expected. and i guess that's what I get for having expectations. actually, these past 2 weeks should have taught me that if nothing else to knock it off with the expectations because nothing as in no thing ever really goes as expected does it??? Didn't that little snafu with that stupid epidural teach me anything...apparently not...

Anyway here's the update;

Saturday evening; Madden begins to feed slower, act fatigued again.

Sunday: acting restless, somewhat fussy but seemingly too fatigued to really protest, def not feeding well like before. something happened Saturday afternoon and he turned a corner into sleepy land again. :(

Monday- same as Sunday only feeding a little slower now and more fussy/restless when wakeful.

Pulmonology appointment;

Dr examines him and wants the x-ray bumped for madden to be next. Got the x-ray and 10 minutes later we stand before the screen and see that not only are the spots still there, but now there is a new very large pnuemothorax on his left lung, and the length of his left lung. The center "pocket" appeared to be smaller although he said that it could "appear" smaller because of compression or displacement of this new larger pnuemothorax combined with the other pressing inward.

So now he has three out of three pleural cavities affected with pockets. We were not at all expecting him to have a new issue. It was a huge surprise, a bad one. He is very tired & uncomfortable and having difficulty feeding because he's using all his energy to maintain stable breathing. He has an appointment next tuesday for x-ray and probably ct scan if he doesn't end up needing it sooner in-patient (only reason holding off is radiation exposure). The doctor stressed and prepared me fully that Madden could turn a corner for worse and end up in NICU at Scottish Rite anytime if he can't handle the work of breathing through this with his lungs under so much stress. So we are monitoring him very close here at home while we can & watching for the first sign we need to take him back. So we wait. We wait and hope that he gets his energy up and starts to pull out of this on his own without a trip back to the NICU. He's a strong boy, he's been through so much and fought like you know what to get through all of that, he'll get through this too. But still, my sweet baby needs to catch a break. like right now. his mommy wouldn't mind one either :((.

What's up with Madden...

Lots of friends are asking whats going on with Madden, so while I have a second to type (Prestlee is holding Madden) I thought a post/update here would be good instead of multiple phone calls/emails/replies of repeating myself :)

Madden was born and had respiratory distress so was taken to NICU. It was originally thought he inhaled mucus or because he was premature he was just going to struggle a little to breath initially just as the Prestlee & Henley did. Madden seemed to be struggling harder after the mucus was cleared and as time went on didn't improve and was admitted to NICU & had some tests ran which included chest x-rays. I was GBS+ so there was a fear that he was having difficulty from that or sepsis. Thankfully his blood cultures came back negative on the GBS but the chest x-rays were not negative. He appeared on the original x-ray to have a pnuemothorax (collapsed lung- air pocket- pressing on outer, upper right lobe) & pnuemomediastinum a second more concerning "air pocket" over his inner, upper right lobe above his heart. He also appeared to have several other "tiny" "spots" on his lungs that were scattered around and didn't change in size throughout his NICU stay. He was placed on IV for antibiotics in case of lung infection. These "air pockets" weren't in great positions for a chest tube to evacuate the "air" because of their locations being so close to the heart and on the inner areas instead of the outer area of lung near the rib cage.. Typically chest tubes are places to relieve the pressure & air when the pockets are on the sides of the lungs. Madden received x-rays daily at first then every other day when the "pockets" didn't seem to be resolving and then the radiologist noticed the "pockets" looking hazey and more cyst like than "air". He was extremely tired and fatigued and couldn't eat or nurse well at all without his oxygen levels dropping to low or his heart racing too high. So a feeding tube was placed to allow him to get his feeds in without all the instability with oxygen and heart rate issues (desats & bradys) and keep his sugar stable. He was allowed to nurse for a limited time at first while the pump was giving him about 90% of his feeds. After about 5-6 days He became stronger and less fatigued and more coordinated to feed (suck, swallow & breathe) and we added oral feeds one by one and less pump/tube feeds. So now he's home on all nursing! As the x-rays kept coming back with these pockets unresolving the neonatologist & radiologists became more and more concerned that these were not "air pockets" or pnuemothoraces at all and more of a possibility of something called *CCAM (detail at bottom of post about CCAM). We consulted with an awesome Pediatric Pulmonologist and will be seeing him on Monday the 19th again at Scottish Rite Childrens Hospital for follow-up x-ray and/or CT scan and if it is clear then we'll know that Madden just had the collapsed lung pockets that just took an abnormal amount of time to clear up. If it is NOT clear, then we know Madden has CCAM. We are also consulting with a Pediatric Oncologist to be extra cautious with all these " pockets/spots" to be sure they aren't anything more serious that we could miss or write off as something that they aren't. I had a lot of necessary radiation during the pregnancy that would put Madden at higher risks for certain serious issues so we are very relieved to have the doctors staying on top of things with him. Regardless of what Madden has at this point he's definitely got a very depressed immune system and we have to protect him from sickness which will limit greatly visitors and him getting out until that resolves & he's healthier. So that in a GIANT nutshell is whats going on with Madden and where we are now. Home after a 9 day NICU stay & waiting to see whats what with the little guys lungs & if surgery is in his near future or if we get to put this lung stuff behind us and jump the next hurdle!! He's doing great, he is such a little fighter and so very sweet. We are so happy and thankful that he's here and okay. I am very-extremely thankful for all the love, support of our family with helping with the boys, & hotel stay taken care of so i could be close to Madden to help get him on oral feeds and home. You all will never know how much it all has meant and how very grateful I am.

CCAM- Congenital Cystic Adenomatoid Malformation, which is typically a benign (non-cancerous) mass of abnormal lung tissue, located usually on one section (lobe) of the lung. Madden has two however. It is caused by overgrowth of abnormal lung tissue that may form fluid filled or solid cysts. The tissue does not function as normal lung tissue and must be surgically removed to prevent several very serious issues.

i hope you don't mind....

i hope you don't mind that I put it down in words....this, rather these, are your songs Madden Andrew.

1) Your song- Elton john

~ because it just is. I can't hear it without thinking of you & our very special day, July fourth, 5:15pm...etched on the surface of my heart as one of the three greatest memories I will ever make :)

2) Sarah McLachlan- Ordinary Miracle

~You are no ordinary miracle. Miracles aren't ordinary. Everything just worked out with each of my little miracles. This song is beautiful and just reminds me of the tediousness of life but the simpleness we should adore. Things often do "just work out". Exceptionally so in the case of you, and your big brothers. Remarkably so.

3) Cold play- yellow- acoustic version

~ My little jaundiced glow worms....little tiny yellow babies. I realize that being your mother I am slightly biased but I still believe the stars shine for you. "I swam across, I jumped across for you, You know I love you so...."

4) John Lennon- Imagine

~ There is just something about this song that reminds me of the wide open imagination of little boys. When I was pregnant with you and heard it I would think of you. Wonder about your dreams, your personality. What you would stand up for in life, what would be your passion. It reminds me of you so much. I can't really put my finger on it, but it does. I think maybe it was because being pregnant with you taught me to live in the now, today, to take it back and enjoy it even when it's hard. things don't matter, moments and memories made do.

5) Sarah McLachlan- Answer

~ I will be there for you at the end of a hard day, be there for you. When things get hard, uncertain, and downright scary I will help you through to find your answers. I won't leave you, I will always be with you, be there for you.

6) Rob Thomas- Little Wonders

~ These small hours are everything to me. Right now for me, with you boys little, small, I hope never fade away. I know they will and you three will grow from boys to men. Madden, I want you to always be able to let it go, let the hard stuff roll right off and let the lesson set in and make better choices because of your mistakes...always learn something every single day. Don't even waste a day of life, not even an hour. Make it all matter, make every moment count. When you can't do it alone, never be afraid to ask for help.

7) Celine Dion- Have you ever been in love

~Because I am in love with the three sweetest boys. I held your brother Prestlee for the very first time to this song,and haven't held one of you since without feeling in love, so in love.

8) Miley- it’s the climb

~The climb was hard, and many times I thought I wouldn't make it. But, I did. WE did. We were strong and held on.

9) Beyonce- At Last

~At last, this song was playing when Prestlee was born. Its been on each of your birth music, because when I saw your faces, "my heart was wrapped up in clovers"...you each took a lot of hard work, tears and heartache to bring into this world and it just still feels too good to be true..."for you were mine...at last"

10) Bon-Jovi- Wanna Make a Memory

~I begged you in the beginning to hang in there. to fight. to breathe. to make it to the point where we'd make memories. I pleaded with you to just try your best that we'd start with a heartbeat then with kicks. we did. you did. you fought for me, and I fought for you. you kicked so much. feeling you move and wiggle inside was incredible. there so many memories for us ahead. so much time we are going to steal. I can't wait for them all, young and old. I am here for you. always. no matter what Madden. Anything at all, no matter what is ever on your mind, nothing is too big or too small, even if you just need an ear..."Hello again...its you and me...together we'll solve life's mysteries"

**Madden, you ended up coming into this world to this song and it just seemed so fitting. This was one of the first of your songs I picked for you because of the memories I wanted to make with you, for you to have with your brothers. I love you sweet boy. It was perfect that you came to this. I saw your whole face to "God its good to see your smile"...the moment was absolutely everything I had hoped and more. Perfect doesn't even come close. I love you.

11) Rascal Flatts- My Wish for you

~ I really do wish that your dreams stay big and your worries stay small and that you never have to carry more than you can hold, & that you help someone every chance you get, and that you always give more than you take....

12) Bob Marley- Three Little Birds

You three boys, are my three little birds, singing sweet songs, melodies pure & true... I always felt with the pregnancies that "Every little thing is gonna be alright" This song is one of my favorites of all time, and Henley loves it too!!

13) Gotta Get Thru This- acoustic version (Daniel beddingfield)

This was my "theme" song for IVF with Prestlee, then the pregnancy with him. I caught myself humming it and singing it when things got rough with your pregnancy (and Henleys too). I did get through it and got these amazingly incredible little sons. My littlest one, you are so special to me, I love you.

14) Adele- To make you feel my love

Because when the rain is blowing in your face & the whole world is on your case, I will offer you a warm embrace to make you feel my love. I love you so much. You, Henley & Prestlee mean the world to me, you are the beats of my heart. I love you more than words can say. I would go to the ends of the earth for you, to make you feel my love...

15) Justin Beiber- Baby

You would wiggle around in my belly to this whenever it was on the radio. It quickly became an ABSOLUTE favorite of Prestlee's!

16) Miley- when I look at you

When I look at you. It was hard being pregnant. The kidney stuff, being sick for so long was really rough. Sometimes I just wanted to be done when it wasn't okay to be done. I felt terrible that I wanted to give up. When I would hit my low and want to wave my white flag, I would look at your pictures. your tiny little feet, your sweet hand...your beautiful face. It would give me what I needed to just move forward sometimes, & to just keep me standing still until I could go on. It was hard. But the love I have for you, and your brothers, the love I get from you boys gets me through so much. This song also speaks to a hurt part of me, a permanent crack in my heart. I went through a lot to have the three of you. I have three precious little boys in my arms. I have three precious little ones in my heart though that I never got to hold. This song reminds me to look at the three of you & to hold you dear because you three will see the stars and the moon in the night sky, get knocked over by a wave on a sandy beach, touch the wings of a butterfly and you my sweet trio of miracles light up my life when I look at you.

17) I wish you love- Rachael Yamagata

~ Because when I heard this I thought of all the things I wish for you. I do wish you bluebirds in the springs, a cozy fire to keep you warm, I wish you love. I hope that you always see the simple things and enjoy life's simpleness. "more than wealth, I wish you love..."

18) Elton John- Can you feel the love tonight

~The love, it was thick as the Georgia humidity when you were born. Its unexplainable really how you can do something three times and it be just as magical, just as miraculous, just as awesome as it was twice before. But, it was. You could feel it, almost see it in the air, you are simply amazing, breath taking. I just know you are going to do amazing things Madden. I can't wait to wind down your lifes path and see it all unfold and be by your side. Always know that I love you.

19) Brad Paisley- When you find yourself

~ I hope you never have to lose yourself to find yourself. But if you do lose yourself I will always be here to help you see things clearly again. I will always be your soft place to fall. I will always be your Mommy. No matter how old you are. No matter what. I love you more than more.

20) Kenny Chesney- Don’t Blink

~ This song makes me stop and notice all the little things that fly by in a day. I stop in my tracks to soak in as much as I can of your brothers, and now you and your little kicks. One day, a long time from now you three will probably have your own little ones. My best advice is don't take a single moment for-granted, love with mercy, and don't blink. It goes by far faster than you think.

21) Taylor Swift- Today was a Fairytale

~ The day you were born Madden felt like a fairytale.So surreal. I fought so hard to get you here safely & healthy. You were the prince that rescued me from so much hurt. You were the perfect ending to a whole lot of hard work. Your tiny face, the beat of your heart, words can't even & will never begin to cover it all. life feels like a fairytale. You little one, are one of my three little princes I have fallen in love with.

it's a gigantic understatement...

to say that I am giddy, excited & happy. today the possibilities are great. tomorrow even better. tomorrow I will see Maddens sweet face. Tomorrow Prestlee & Henley meet their brother. tomorrow I will feel completely complete. full circle. since my baby making days began with a wish, a hope, a dream. Tomorrow, thats just hours away from this very moment. Today, I am feeling awfully happy and sincerely thankful for all the greatness thats came my way in my life and in my boys. all three of them. we can conquer life together, and we will. come what may, those three little miracles, three little wishes, three little dreams come trues we will do it together. we will give back what we get. we will take it all arm and arm and love all the moments & memories the same. three huge loves of mine. wow. i'm walking on clouds and would just like to say, with eyes full of tears and a heart near explosion I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!! i really did :)))))))))))))))) whew!!!!!! That feels good. so good.

amnio is TODAY is HE?

something else I am wondering if is today....is Maddens Birthday. Hmm...up all night with contractions and pains reminiscent of the birthing process....just under what you would huff your way up to the check in desk at the labor & delivery and get admitted, tagged and start your wait for the whaa-a-whaaa!! Yesterday around 5pm some other nameless symptoms began that separate this episode from the other contraction episode and we know my spongy ripe cervix is gave its notice. Today, I go for my amnio in about two hours hopefully they'll say oh gosh your x cm lets just sent you on up stairs. I need a little nap, if it gets worse for sure a good bit of narcotic for that nap and I'll be good to labor it up and get this boy out. Either way, Dr agree's; something is up and the clocks started for this boy working his way out. Woohooo...Bring it on baby. I am ready now. Remember I specifically requested quickish and as painless as possible....I've already deducted points for that whole face up bit. lets straighten up and slide right.....now on to the giant needle...

update:

MADDEN HAS MATURE LUNGS!!!!!!!! WOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

for any mama out there who has ever battled pre-term labor we all define our major gestational success (or I may be speaking personally here) as a room air breathing baby. There are milestones and viability goals, and a day less in the NICU goals for sure that count as major success. I consider "I DID IT" when my baby breaths room air. everything else just falls shy of that big success. I breathe a LOT better when I know they can. Madden should be able to breathe room air so tonight I go to bed feeling the world off my shoulders and huge heap of "i did it".....I did. the happy tears are falling fast. I can't believe so much has happened, so much we've been through, and we did it. WE SO DID IT!!! Thanks for fighting for us little guy, you sweet baby. I will see you very soon. I am so proud of you, I love you. always.

three days

my ticker says I have three days left. i'd be doing a happy dance if I felt like it. but, i don't. I have supposedly had my last tube change on last friday. I do not have one scheduled for this friday and thats great. but i am so pessimistic at this point that I dare to believe it actually was the last one. stupid tube hurts since sunday. a lot really. so I am holding off on believing for half a second I am all done with that non-sense. instead of getting up at the crack of dawn. well before the crack of down in all honesty, I will be getting up around 7am instead of 4am and hauling it down to the hospital to have a nice giant needle stuck into my uterus to see if Madden will be good and ready to breath room air or he'd be likely vent dependent or some other type of method of forced oxygen. Odds are he's ready which is good, no great. But I know that "Odds" hate me. But this week I have had it up-to-here with the odds hating me & just about everything else too, that I double dog dare a fly to cross me wrong. I am a million types of feeling awful and foul. This chick has had it and is DONE.

just sayin....

“Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over.” ~Gloria Naylor

"The true test of character is not how much we know how to do, but how we behave when we don't know what to do. the true test of character is not how much we know how to do, but how we behave when we don't know what to do."~ John Holt

"Forget walking a mile in someone else's shoes. Walk around in their closet & always remember there are things in the drawer you've never known to exist." ~ Breann Kynard

The music...

I have mentioned before in this blog about how much music means to me. how much I relate to the words to songs and how sometimes when I've got my walls up they bring them right down. I listen to the lyrics mainly but the melody has to be just right for me to love, love a song. I am not picky except when it comes to making my birth music. It is as important to me as naming my babies. each song I choose for a reason. each one in one way or another i have shed a tear too. each one has whispered to my heart. I have a soundtrack for each boy of mine. each one still brings me to tears. each one I can tell you what i was doing when I heard it. what it meant, what it symbolized and why it made the cut. each one holds the most magnificent memories that I will hold forever dear to my heart...

long time no blog...

what can I say making a beautiful little human and being sick is a wee bit time consuming. That, and having a broken laptop doesn't exactly make blogging easy. life is the same. hanging in here. passing time wishing time would just pass. but then again I slightly wish it would slow down just a hair. the boys on the outside are growing too fast which is a direct indicator the one on the inside is too. time do what you will, but please, leave my boys alone. I like them just like this. sweet & innocent. well, mostly anyway. :-)

tired

too tired to post much. its been a rough day. rough few days. I feel like crap. barely feel like typing this much. got an infection. got IV antibiotics which sufficiently have killed all the bacterial organisms in my body and have drained every last drop of energy from me. closing my eyes now. hoping for sleep. goodnight people.

The Funk....

Dr. Funk to be precise. She was a lovely lady, no where near an idiot. Actually more than once during my "visit" with her thought this woman has a BRAIN. a real working BRAIN!! She was great and confirmed at first glance that the tube was junky and infected and didn't need a culture of the green goop because as she said "it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know it's infected". Nope, it sure doesn't. It also doesn't take a doctor. She was nice, precise, thorough and had a beautiful down right gorgeous diamond bracelet. Even sick, feeling like trash that thing caught my eye. The downside I am stuck at NSH until we get this crap under control and that entails clandomycin every eight hours which tastes like crap even through an IV but at least I am not vomiting non-stop like yesterday. it was horrible. today is far less horrible.

the big green booger

Today is Saturday, which all you literate people out there reading are well aware is the day just after Friday. Anyone connected to my bubble knows what happens on Fridays. That would be my lovely tube change for any newbies out there just so happening to stumble upon this divine little blog of mine. Anyway, back to the meat and potatoes of the whole entry here; I have a green booger on my back. yep. a -green-snotty- someone wipe that nasty kids snotty gross nose booger. on my tube. Oozing right out of my back like slime. disgusting. I got sick when I saw it via a picture. I'm not gumby so of course it took a picture for me to see the nasty little thing on my back. So. I am about to trek my tail down to Northside ER where I assume some idiot that's paid 200k+ a year will say "yep, that looks like a booger (aka infection), but to be safe let's culture it to be sure" then your royal highness here will act like a rabid animal and demand they fork over the antibiotics stat so I can get in and out and back home by dark. yea. right. I have a feeling I will NOT be sleeping in my bed tonight.

is it really so?

Is it really so? Is there a light I see at the end of this tunnel. The finish line in the distance? I can hardly believe we've came this far. I can hardly believe what has happened to me. What I have done. How I have felt. How I feel. I can't believe that I have sat here and cried for the past 30 minutes that I ONLY have 35-36 days left of being pregnant. of feeling kicks. of making a little miracle inside my body. of adoring what wonder can come from within. I also feel that thirty-five or thirty six more days is an eternity. far too long and that I can't possibly make it. but then I know its just thirty-five or thirty-six days and those days of feeling these last kicks and rolls and hiccups will go by in a flash. and then just as quickly as it opened a door in my life closes. a chapter finished. the part of making babies for me is done. this is the last time I will ever be pregnant. I will never ever again skip a period because there is a baby inside me. its hard to believe that its only 35-36 days left until I have one more of the most amazing experiences of my life. giving birth. i actually love that part. its the most incredible experience of life and I have been extremely fortunate to have experienced it twice already. I can not wait to see this little boy, to hold him, to kiss him & to start our journey in life together. I can't wait to introduce him to his brothers. I cant wait to get lost staring at him and his fingernails, and study the pattern of the hair swirling on his head and to touch the tiny eyelashes and run my finger along the folds of his ears. I can't wait to feel him breathe against me, to feel his warmth. Thirty five or thirty six days left until the finale. The curtain call. Until I can hold him and kiss him and tell him that I waited so long for him and that my heart can't even hold the love I feel for him. I can't wait, but then again I can.

It just that it's....

it's just too much. too hard. too exhausting. too draining. isn't draining the same as exhausting? it deserves repeating for emphasis anyway. i don't care. Sometimes when you take a step back to see the whole big picture you get a surprise. something you didn't quite expect. Sometimes you become inspired. Sometimes you become strengthened. Sometimes you just fall apart. Sometimes taking that step back shows you what you've been avoiding. Something you didn't want to see. Something you've tried really hard to be blind to. The truth will always be the truth and will always find you in one way or another. you can run but you can't hide. Sometimes the truth hurts so bad you can't even speak it. You can't even hear it. You don't ever want to. Because simply hearing it, saying it, hearing those words come out of your mouth, tasting them on your lips, might just destroy you leaving you in pieces. But in my own life, and thankfully so, there has always been a stick of glue or a good friend holding some at the bottom of all those broken pieces to help me mend myself and stand back up. I need some glue. maybe tomorrow. Today I just want to lay here in pieces. The big picture was far too much.